Coming Out of the Fog

The 5 things I learned from coming out of the fog as a college student.

1. I didn’t realize the amount of internalized denial I had
   
   I was incredibly blessed with a loving adoptee family and accepting community so I always viewed adoption as a casual trait that didn’t go beyond the fact that I was adopted. So I’m sure you can imagine how hard coming-out-of-the-fog hit me.
   
   Being a freshman on campus, I found myself telling people that I was adopted to explain why their x and y perceptions of me were wrong. This made me start to question my adoptee identity myself. I went from going “yeah, I’m adopted! But I’m just like anyone else except my parents are white!” to “oh shit, I’m adopted…” real fast. I always knew that this was something that I was going to have to unpack, but it just so happened that I was confronted with this need sooner than I expected.

2. I began to answer some of my burning internal questions
   
   During my teen years, I was constantly doubting myself. I always saw myself as too clingy. Too difficult to get close to others. Too on edge. Too anxious. Too depressed. Leaving me with the question of “why?.” As soon as I came out of the fog, things seemed to click just like that. I always tried to see my adoption in a positive light but stifling my unconscious trauma left me more hurt and confused as ever. I’m not kidding, this was a “lightbulb moment” for me. My mother left me when I was 10 days old, no wonder I have abandonment issues. Call me blunt, but I’m done sugar coating. I did that for 17 years. Though I’ll probably never answer my burning questions about my early life, at least I can answer some questions about myself and I’m so proud of myself for that.

3. I gave myself permission to feel
   
   Having this flood of confusing feelings was painful and exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Being a full-time student, it’s so easy to forget to take care of myself. After having this earth-shattering experience, I hit a low point in my life and naturally, I wanted to seek a solution ASAP.
   
   But for coming out of the fog, the bad feelings never really subside, you can only learn how to cope with them. This is when you’re faced with 2 choices:
   
   Drown in self-loathing.
   Allow yourself to feel.
   
   I chose to allow myself to feel because it seemed like the best thing to do--and it was. But my case isn’t exactly like yours and you may deal with sh*t differently, but either way you must give yourself permission to feel. Here are some of my coping strategies--take them as you will.
   
   Scream into my pillow
   Cook a nice meal for myself
   Take a hot shower
   Read a book
   Take a mental health day (aka skip class)
   Journal
   Talk to my therapist

4. I’m incredibly proud of my adoptee identity
   
   After giving myself permission to feel, I gave myself permission to heal. And after that, I realized I am SO proud of myself and my identity. I can’t change the circumstances, so might as well embrace them full force. I’m not saying that you have to be proud of every single aspect of your adoption, but being an adoptee is unique. Compared to the rest of the population, adoptees make up such a small percentage. So I figured, let’s be proud of who we are and be loud with our stories. It took me lots of time and money (therapists are NOT cheap) to get to this point so you best believe I’m proud as hell in this identity.

5. It’s an ongoing process
   
   Enough said. Be kind to yourself. You are enough. You are loved.