Words That Matter: How Adoptive Parents Can Support Adoptees with Language
Language matters. Especially in adoption.
Adult adoptees recently shared with us how harmful, possessive language shaped their experiences and its lasting impact on their sense of self and belonging.
"I felt like an object. My mom would call me her ‘gift from God’ and use it against me when I wanted independence."
"I’ve been told I should feel grateful because I could have been aborted."
"At church, I was treated like a trophy for how great my parents were—not as a person."
Adoptees often grow up navigating language and statements that dismiss, objectify, or diminish their experiences. These words, though sometimes well-intentioned, carry unintended consequences, leaving lifelong impacts on their sense of identity, belonging, and autonomy.
At Rewriting Adoption, an online community created by adoptees, our mission is to amplify adoptee voices and rewrite the narrative surrounding adoption. While adoption is often framed as a story of love and belonging, it’s essential to recognize that language shapes experience. Words matter deeply—especially to adoptees.
In a recent survey, 90% of adoptees shared that they’d experienced harmful, possessive language from their adoptive parents. These words often left them feeling invisible, controlled, or pressured to meet expectations. To all adoptees navigating these experiences: we see you, we hear you, and we’re holding space for your stories. 💛
This blog post is for adoptive parents and family members who want to better support the adoptees in their lives. Our hope is that by reflecting on language and shifting harmful narratives, you can create an environment where adoptees feel valued, autonomous, and understood.
To see more responses and highlights from the survey, check out our Instagram post:
What Is Possessive Language, and Why Is It Harmful?
Possessive language refers to words or behaviors that frame adoptees as property, diminish their autonomy, or invalidate their experiences. While often unintentional, this language can profoundly impact adoptees. Common examples include:
“You’re my child, and that’s all that matters.”
“I’m your mother, and that’s the end of it.”
Dismissing curiosity about birth families with phrases like, “Why do you care about them? You’re ours now.”
Referring to an adoptee as a “gift” or “birthday present.” Being called a "gift" might sound nice, but for some adoptees, like L. Calder, it serves as a painful reminder of what’s missing. Read more about L’s experience in their blog post, Best Christmas Present (All Sales Final).
The Impact of Possessive Language
Possessive language creates invisible wounds that adoptees often carry well into adulthood. Here’s how it affects them:
1. Erodes Identity: Adoptees are often disconnected from their roots. Language that dismisses their history compounds this loss. One adoptee reflected:
"I’ve been told I could have been aborted, as if I should feel grateful."
2. Fosters Emotional Harm: Words meant to reassure can often invalidate complex emotions. An adoptee shared:
"When I expressed sadness, my parents would say, ‘You should be thankful you’re here.’ It made me feel guilty for having feelings."
3. Breaks Trust: When adoptees hear dismissive or controlling phrases, they often stop sharing their true feelings:
"Every time I asked about my bio mom, I’d hear, ‘She didn’t want you.’ It made me stop asking questions."
4. Objectification: Adoptees frequently feel reduced to symbols or possessions:
"At church, I was treated like a trophy for how great my parents were—not as a person."
How to Acknowledge and Address Harmful Language
Acknowledging the harm caused by possessive language isn’t easy. It requires humility, self-reflection, and a willingness to listen. Taking accountability for past mistakes may feel uncomfortable, but it’s a crucial step in building trust and fostering deeper connections in your relationship.
Step 1: Reflect on Your Words
Self-reflection is key. Start by examining the language you use to describe your child and their story, as well as the beliefs behind it. Are you centering your emotions or theirs? Ask yourself:
Do my words affirm their individuality and autonomy?
Have I ever used language that implied ownership or entitlement?
Recognizing and addressing these underlying issues is an important first step.
Step 2: Unlearn Harmful Narratives & Seek Professional Help
Reflection alone isn’t enough. Professional help, such as therapy or counseling, may be needed to unpack deeper issues and support ongoing growth.This includes exploring what led you to adoption in the first place and identifying unmet needs, grief, or expectations that may shape your language and interactions.
With the guidance of professional support, your words and actions can reflect a place of genuine understanding. Together, self-reflection and professional help pave the way for meaningful growth and repair.
Step 3: Apologize with Intention
Adoptees emphasized the power of sincere apologies. Meaningful apologies include:
Acknowledgment: "I realize I’ve said things that were hurtful."
Empathy: "I can see how my words made you feel dismissed."
Action: "I’m committed to learning and doing better."
Adoptees shared examples of what they need to hear:
"I have not been the parent you needed, and I am committed to being that person, even if late.”
“I didn’t do the work on myself before you came into my life, and you deserved better."
"I’m sorry I didn’t know better then, but I do now. I will do better"
"I’m so sorry for the wounds my words caused. How can I support you now?"
“I'm sorry. What I said was hurtful. I will reflect on why it was hurtful to you and stop.”
Step 4: Shift Your Mindset
Parenting an adoptee should never be about ownership. Adoptive parents need to:
Acknowledge the adoptee’s story as their own.
Create space for them to explore their roots without fear of judgment.
Avoid centering gratitude or savior narratives.
Remember, recovery from harm takes time, and healing isn’t linear. Meet your adoptee where they are, and understand that trust and connection rebuild gradually. The effort you put into showing humility and consistent support can make all the difference.
The Cost of Not Addressing Harmful Language
When harmful language and behaviors go unaddressed, the impact on an adoptee’s mental well-being can be profound. Many adoptees carry these wounds into adulthood, leading to strained relationships, trust issues, and in some cases, the difficult decision to go no contact with their adoptive families.
Respecting an adoptee’s decision to protect their mental health and set boundaries is imperative. While some adoptees may be open to repair, others may feel it’s too late or too painful to revisit the harm. As one adoptee shared, "I think it’s too late for me."
Others expressed hesitation about opening these conversations, citing fears of being dismissed or retraumatized:
"Call or write a letter, asking if the adoptee wants to have that conversation and when is convenient? The adoptive parents need to make sure the conversation is on the adoptee’s terms."
"I’d want accountability and true willingness to learn."
"I would want them to be open to a tough conversation and reassure me that tones will be kept calm."
"They would have to say so, so many things… we have a lot of small wounds, like paper cuts."
The concerns adoptees have about repair are valid. For some, the harm may feel impossible to overcome:
"To be honest, I’ve given up. It would be impossible to apologize for all of it."
These quotes reflect the weight of the harm caused by dismissive or possessive language and underscore the need for adoptive parents to approach repair with care, patience, and a deep respect for the adoptee’s boundaries.
Healing takes time, and adoptees may need significant space before they feel ready to engage. Parents must be willing to meet their adoptees where they are, not where they wish them to be.
Practical Tools for Fostering Connection
Create Safe Spaces for Dialogue
Adoptees need reassurance that they can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of dismissal or punishment. Some strategies include:
Let Them Lead: Ask if they’re ready to talk and respect their timing.
Example: "Would you like to talk about how I’ve hurt you? I’m ready to listen when you are."
Active Listening: Reflect back what they share to show understanding.
Example: "I hear you saying my words made you feel dismissed. I’m so sorry."
Educate Yourself
Take time to learn about the adoptee experience through books, podcasts, and adoptee-led discussions. Recommended resources include:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Adoption Healing by Joe Soll
Adoptee-led blogs and support groups.
Practice Regular Check-Ins
Milestones like birthdays, graduations, or family events can bring up complex feelings for adoptees. Proactively ask how they’re feeling:
"How do you feel about celebrating your birthday? Is there anything I can do to support you?"
Centering Adoptee Voices: Real Stories, Real Impact
Throughout this post, you’ve read adoptees’ words—their pain, their hopes, and their advice. These voices are at the heart of this conversation. One adoptee summed it up best:
"It’s never too late to address the harm, listen to how it impacted us, and commit to change."
Your words have the power to affirm, support, and heal. By reflecting on your language and shifting your mindset, you can foster a relationship that honors the adoptee in your life’s individuality and autonomy.
This is what Rewriting Adoption is all about. We want to express a HUGE THANK YOU to the adoptees who participated in this survey and shared their voices with us. Their courage and honesty guide everything we do.
If you are an adoptee and you’d like to share your thoughts and experiences in future surveys, join our "Close Friends" list on Instagram! We post questions exclusively for adoptees about the issues that matter most to our community. Just message us "CF" on Instagram to request access—we’d love to hear from you!
A Step Toward Healing with Words
By creating space for open dialogue, committing to growth, and centering adoptee voices, adoptive parents can help rewrite the adoption narrative—one rooted in respect, empathy, and empowerment.
To the adoptive parents and family members reading this: thank you for taking the time to reflect and grow. And to the adoptees who shared their stories—we see you, we hear you, and we’re grateful for your courage.
FAQs
Why is possessive language harmful to adoptees?
It diminishes their autonomy, invalidates their experiences, and can lead to long-term struggles with self-worth and identity.
How can I apologize to my adoptee effectively?
Be specific, express genuine regret, and commit to meaningful change.
What are examples of possessive language to avoid?
Phrases like “You’re my child, and that’s all that matters,” dismissing their birth family with comments like “They didn’t want you,” or using words like “chosen” and “gift” to describe them. While often well-intentioned, these terms can feel dismissive or objectifying to adoptees.
How can I ensure open communication with my adoptee?
Let them lead conversations, listen actively, and validate their feelings.
What resources can help me become a better adoptive parent?
Books like The Primal Wound, adoptee-led blogs, and counseling with adoption-informed professionals are excellent starting points.
